Know Your Needs - Transcripts

Hello, and welcome to module one, Know your Needs. In this module, I'm going to help you get clear on your expectations, we're going to decide on your absolutes, I'll help you to dream a little dream, and we'll talk about your happy habits, the little things that set you up for a really good day.

All right, we start here because it's really important to clarify your own needs because that's the first step to making sure that your needs get met. Once you figure out what you need, what you're hoping for, what your big vision is, what you're worried about, what you're afraid of, once you've explored those things, then you're able to articulate them with someone safe and trusted like your partner or perhaps a parent or a friend who's helping you through this transition into parenthood.

And once you've articulated your needs to someone else, that can help you get those needs met. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, stick with me. I'll help walk you through this because if you say you have no expectations for what's coming up, for your birth, for example, you don't want to have any expectations, you just want it to go well, you just want to meet a happy, healthy baby on the other side, right?

Or if you're in denial of your fears and you don't want to voice them, or if you're resistant to expressing your hopes, then you can't make a plan that works for you, one that helps you take small steps towards getting you the kind of experience that you want, okay?

And in that way, you're sort of like abdicating your right to having a say over your birth and postpartum experience, even though it's your experience, and you can in fact influence the outcome quite a lot. So in order to help you have the kind of birth and postpartum experience you want, let's get clear on your needs.

Welcome back. In this first lesson I want to cover with you what your expectations are. And so I'm going to ask you these kinds of questions quite a lot in this whole module about understanding your needs because it's really important to sort of dig into, what's on your heart, what's on your mind, and finding a way to articulate that will help you process your birth experience and your postpartum experience as it happens.

So in this section, I'm going to give you a lot of reflection questions to consider. So if you've got a journal that you like to write in, a Google Doc, a notes app, or even if you're a verbal processor, find a friend to talk these things through with, or record yourself and listen to yourself talking through it, that will help a lot.

And I want to also highlight the fact that the stories that you hear from other people, the stories that other people are telling you about their birth or their early postpartum experience, their newborns matter because those stories can inspire feelings in you that will impact the, the readiness that you feel for meeting your baby and your ability to handle what's coming. So be careful of the stories that you hear firstly, but also the stories that you're telling yourself.

So in this first part I want you to consider your upcoming birth and just the birth process, the birth and labor process. I want you to think about, reflect on, verbalize on paper, your keyboard, or with a friend.

What do you think your upcoming birth will be like? What, do you think you will feel? Where do you think you will go? How will you be looked after? What do you think your birth will be like?

And then the second part of that, what do other people say your birth will be like based on what their birth was like?

Are those stories mostly positive? Are they scary? Are they full of teasing and joking and lightheartedness that everything's gonna be fine?

And most importantly, do you believe them? Do you believe the good stories? Do you believe the scary stories? Do you trust the people that are telling you these stories to be telling the truth?

Think through these questions for your upcoming birth. Pause this video if you have to.

The second part: I want you to consider the first four weeks with your baby. You've got a tiny newborn that you've just brought home from the hospital. What do you think your baby will be like or what do you think life with your baby will be like? How will your partner handle it? Will all of your preparations pay off? What do you think? What's on your mind?

And what do other people say the newborn stage is like? So what kind of stories have you been hearing about babies or what your body will be like after you give birth? And do you believe them? Very important.

And the third part, your recovery from childbirth and pregnancy.

How do you expect your recovery to go? What do you think it will be like to be in your body after you've had your baby? What kinds of stories have other people told you about your body and what it can do and how it'll recover. And do you believe them? Important reflection questions to consider, here ahead of your childbirth experience.

So take 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, as long as it takes, and explore these feelings either by yourself or with a friend. Because getting really clear on these expectations before you meet your baby will make it much easier to process the experience with your baby, especially if it's different from what you want.

All right. That's it for lesson one.

Here in lesson two, I want you to take a few minutes to consider your absolutes. So where will you draw a line in the sand about your upcoming birth or postpartum experience? I'll ask you to think about if there's anything that you would fight for, or something that's a hard pass for you, or maybe an easy pass. “Nope, not gonna do that.”

And what's a must for you to feel like everything, everything went very well. There are steps you can take to make that happen. So that's what I want you to think about here in this lesson. And I've got another set of reflection questions for you.

Okay.

But firstly, I want to acknowledge that it's really easy to say I'm fine with whatever, as long as I have a healthy baby. And that's a totally valid feeling to have. Whatever happens is fine. As long as I can meet my baby and take them home, I'll be fine. But it's rarely the truth.

A lot of times this feeling of “whatever happens is fine,” comes from one of these three reasons:

A desire to please. You don't want to be a bother. You don't want to seem selfish or needy or demanding.

Sometimes it's an attempt to avoid disappointment, because if you tell someone what you want and then it doesn't happen, that's a bummer and you feel silly. For what? For reaching, for dreaming, for thinking things could go well. And so to avoid that disappointment, we say it's fine. Whatever, whatever happens is fine.

And of course another reason we say that is because it's hard to face the fears that we have and that's for sure the truth.

But I do want to encourage you to consider these things anyway - your needs, your absolutes, your expectations. Because if you let fear and indecision make this choice for your family, then you will have exactly the kind of birth and postpartum experience that your hospital wants you to have. And it can be different. You're allowed to have a say and there's a lot that you can control. Okay?

So if there's something that you want or something that you don't want, face it. Do yourself the honor of facing it. Be honest. What is an absolute during your birth and labor. Here are some thoughts.

What is one thing that you really, really want to happen during labor and childbirth? Can you think of something, make a note of it, and share it with your partner, with your birthing team and see what they say.

What is one thing that you are firmly opposed to. Dig around and see if there's anything that you really do not want to happen during your labor and during childbirth.

And do you have quite a strong preference for something that you haven't mentioned to anyone yet because it makes you feel kind of small or irrelevant, insignificant, whatever.

Is that something that you can share, and do yourself the honor, be honest with yourself about?

And in the early postpartum period, what is an absolute must for you? You should probably tell someone!

Are there any cultural or family traditions that you want to include or exclude from the postpartum period?

And is there anything lingering in the back of your mind that you would be disappointed about if it did happen or if it didn't happen? Make sure you make a note.

And then of course, when it comes to your baby, what will you put your foot down about having done your way? Think about that one.

And what is something that you definitely do not want to do or hear about? If there's something like that in the back of your mind or in the front of your mind, make sure you tell someone.

So here at the end of this second lesson, take a few minutes with a pen and paper or a Google Doc or a friend, and answer these questions from deep down in your heart, from way back in your mind because you are allowed to have preferences.

This is your body, this is your family. This is the way that you get to live your life. You get to decide. Enjoy, and I will see you in lesson three.

Welcome back! Here in lesson three, I want you to dream a little dream.

I want you to consider if there was a way to wave a magic wand, *ping* what would the next three months look like for you? What's the best outcome that you can imagine for your childbirth and postpartum period? What will you be really, really happy about when you reach the end of your fourth trimester when your baby's three months old, 12 weeks, 16 weeks? What is the best way that this could have all gone down. That's what we're going to explore in this lesson.

All right, I believe firmly that our dreams and visions deserve true consideration. And I don't want you to brush yours aside as if it's nothing. It's just a flight of fancy, right? But it's meaningful to you. It points to your values, something that really matters to your heart. So don't discard it so easily.

Our dreams point us towards the things that make us happy. The things that leave us satisfied, like deeply satisfied, right? The right way to do something is the way that it's always done in our dreams, right? Our hopes and wishes are that things are done the correct way. So the best case scenario that you're dreaming of is the way that it should go.

And it's okay to say, “I'd really like to try for… some path.” It's really good to explore that. And even if it feels completely unrealistic, it can guide you to a better outcome.

So, for example, if you wished it were possible to like, I don't know, go out into the woods and give birth by yourself so that nobody could see you, so you could be surrounded by, I don't know, the wild animals or whatever, some dreamy dream you might think that is completely unrealistic, even though it's this like sweet little nugget in the back of your mind.

But if you talk to a birth doula about that, for example, or a midwife you really like, even an OBGYN, that what you’d like, if it could go any way you wanted, you would do it alone in the woods somewhere, then there are small things that can be done when you're laboring and giving birth to help make that happen.

I mean, not out in the woods maybe, but the staff could keep the lights dim. There could be a note on your file that says you want as few people in the room as possible at all times. They could leave you largely alone unless it's medically necessary.

Even if that dream that you have is completely unrealistic, there are steps you can take to get closer to it than if you never considered it at all. And those small steps can make a big difference to how you feel about it looking back.

And so here are some questions that I want you to consider as you're thinking about your upcoming birth in terms of like dreamy dream outcomes. Okay?

What is the best outcome for your baby's birth? Who attends? Where does it happen? What happens at the beginning when you feel contractions starting, like this baby's coming?

What happens in the middle when you're deep in the throes of labor?

What happens at the end that would be so, so nice? Consider that!

And what would be amazing afterward? What would make you feel so great? After you give birth to your baby and you're resting and recovering with your baby on your chest, what would be amazing?

Articulate that to yourself and then share it with someone you love and trust and see if they can make it happen. Even just a small part of that.

And then for the first few weeks with your baby, if you had a fairy godmother who could come by and wave a little wand over you to give you what you wanted, what would you do for the first few weeks with your baby?

What would your partner do and who else would help you out if it were possible?

How would you feel looking after the baby?

What kind of stuff would you have to help you with the baby and which preparations that you've made during your pregnancy will pay off?

Those are important things to think about. Your dreams point you to something of value in you. So look a little more closely and see what you can do to honor your dreams.

And of course, as usual, pause for a few moments. Write your thoughts down with a pen or paper, or a Google doc, share them with a friend if you're more of a verbal processor.

And even if this feels really indulgent, if it feels like there's no point in thinking about best case scenario because you've got some kind of a diagnosis or you know, things don't go your way, whatever. Even if it feels indulgent, this part of you deserves to be heard.

Take a few minutes and honor yourself and I'll see you in lesson four.

Okay, welcome to lesson four. In this lesson I'm going to ask you to consider your happy habits. So what is it about a good day that makes it a good day? Which of your daily habits, rituals, or routines will you be sad to give up in the postpartum period? How do you feel on days that are good where everything seems to go right versus on days where nothing seems to go right and the day feels like a total wash?

And it's true that life with a newborn can feel a bit, I don't know, chaotic maybe. But it can help to have a set rhythm or a handful of routines or rituals that help you to feel a sense of rightness, of grounding in your day-to-day life. And claiming these happy habits for yourself can be a really important first step to establishing healthy boundaries around looking after yourself and making sure that you're not living the postpartum period for other people.

So today I want you to decide what your happy habits are going to be that you're going to work to maintain through the postpartum period, but it's important that you choose ones that are familiar and not new. I don't want you to start any new habits. This is not a time for fresh resolutions.

They need to be easy, they need to be comfortable and not something that you're dreading. So you're not going to start working out if you haven't been.

It needs to feel familiar and comfortable. Nothing new. Nothing that you would not be comfortable doing.

It should be quick and easy. Nothing too involved or time consuming. No half an hour of meditation followed by half an hour of journaling, and then half an hour of yoga or whatever. It needs to be quick and easy because you're going to have to be looking after a baby at the same time. And this one's all about meeting your needs, not meeting anyone else's needs.

So here are some things that I want you to consider for happy habits, and some of these really worked for me. When I prioritized them, on the days that I managed to squeeze some of these activities in, I did feel better as a person, as somebody who was not attached to her baby all the time.

For me, a morning shower was really important, but what is something that really works for you? Maybe you need 10 minutes to meditate or journal or pray or whatever it is to help you feel grounded, and reconnected to yourself.

Would it help you to have coffee in your favorite chair every morning? A walk outside with your dog, just 10 minutes on your yoga mat or making sure you get time for a quick kitchen reset at the end of the day?

What are the little things in your life that help set you up for success?

And to help, dig into this a little bit deeper, I want you to consider the following two kinds of days: a really good, busy, productive kind of day, and a lovely relaxing day off.

How would you like to start each kind of day?

What are those same happy habits from this list above that happen on both of those days that makes both of those days feel so good? What do you make sure you do on a busy morning that feels like the reason the day went so well, that you definitely got to eat breakfast, that you had your clothes laid out the day before, for example.

What makes your day feel really good on a busy morning? And is there a way that you can replicate some of that in your life with your baby? Are there routines or rituals that if you can't fit them in, leave you feeling flustered and out of sorts? Is there anything you love to do in the morning or evening on a full and busy day that's the same as on a glorious day off. And which of your happy habits are you most worried that you'll have to put on hold when you meet your baby?

Maybe those are the ones that you need to figure out how to protect, right?

So make sure you take some time at the end of this lesson, or perhaps when you have a pocket of time, 10 minutes or so with a pen and paper, or a Google Doc, or your friend, and decide on the key habits that you want to maintain in the early weeks with your baby.

And then of course, share these with a partner or someone safe and ask them about theirs so that you can help look after each other when your baby comes, and then you can adjust them as you settle in with life with your baby.

All right, it is time for us to wrap up Module One. In this module, you clarified your expectations, your absolutes, your dreamy dreams, and your happy habits. And I hope you've taken some time to use that information to figure out the healthy boundaries that you want to establish for your birth and postpartum period.

And it's really important too, that you share these feelings and thoughts and ideas and the boundaries with your partner and the rest of the people that are looking after you.

Now, before you move on to the next module, I want to make sure that you've given some serious thought to the reflection questions that I've asked you to think about here in this module.

Because understanding yourself, knowing your needs, that's how you get your needs met, how you can identify when it's time to move some boundaries around so that you always feel looked after and safe, that you feel you have the space that you need to thrive.

So here at the end of this set of lessons, make sure that you have clarified your expectations, uncovered your absolutes, that you've done a little dreaming and shared that dream with someone, and claimed your happy habits.

And then take some time to figure out how that translates into boundaries for you, share it with your care team, and then attend our next Q and A call, and you can find out when that is going to be on the website in your member account. And we'll have a Zoom call where you can share your ideas from this module, get some feedback, and I'd love to answer your questions and you can email me anytime (info@patriciagrenseman.com)

Thanks so much for working through this stuff with me, and I will see you in Module Two.